I Could Go For a Run, Or…

I could go for a run, or I could listen to my tired body at the end of this long day and give it the rest it’s asking for instead.

I could go for that long run I had planned on, or I could do some gentle restorative yoga and give my muscles the TLC they have been aching for all day.

I could go for my run, or I could take a day off after the long bike ride and hike yesterday that seems to have depleted all of my glycogen stores.

I could go for a run, or I could do a self care activity, like taking a cold shower that sounds so good during this Kansas fall heat.

I could go run, or I could eat a snack that will help replenish my body after an already physically taxing work day.

I could go for a run…or I could recognize that it is ED who wants me to run.

I could choose recovery today instead.

Fears and Blessings

Sorry for not posting a lot this past week, I’ve been having a really tough time and a lot of struggles. I don’t even know how to explain a lot of it, but there have just been a lot of doubts about my recovery and honestly about my relationship. Nothings wrong with my relationship, don’t get me wrong, we’ve just been together for about a year now and the fear of “hes going to get sick and tired of me, I annoy him, I’m too much” has been very real. Yes those thoughts aren’t substantiated and he knows I struggles and tells me he loves me every day, but it’s still a source of anxiety for me.

What I find myself doing to cope with that is pulling away a bit and sort of teaching myself to live without him. Thats healthy to a degree of course, none of us should be totally reliant on another person or relationship. Other people are human and no one will ever be realistically able to perfectly meet all of our needs, and its totally unrealistic and unfair to expect that of someone. However, I think I’ve been almost damaging the relationship by shutting down and freezing him out to try and protect myself. We have an open line of communication about this, which is amazing. He is my absolute antithesis and is so stable and consistent. When I run around in circles waving my armsover my head and babbling about this that or the other, he sits there waiting for me to calm down and then gives me a hug and tells me its ok. He is so grounding.

Something else that has thrown me off this week is I’ve been going to an ED group and we have some new members. Without breaching any kind of confidentiality, we have a few members who have been struggling with their EDs for 30-50+ years.

I’ll let you stop and think about that for a sec.

50 years taken by ED.

I felt so much emotional pain after that meeting, and feel so much sadness going forward and getting to know these women further and deeper. One of them could only say that if we learned anything from her, let it be a warning not to waste our lives like she has.

I feel so resolute. I would rather feel painfully fat every day of my life and still LIVE than to have that much regret. Every ounce of energy put towards my recovery is worth it. Because if we don’t fight it, it will never go away and it will consume everything we are. It will be our whole lives, devoted to worshipping this disorder. That thought brings me so much sadness and so much hurt for those who have struggled for years. I have struggled for 10 years and it feels like an eternity. I cant imagine struggling for 30, 40, or 50 years.

I have had so much fear about the future of my recovery and so much doubt. I have fear and doubt about the future of my relationship. I have fear and doubt about what the next 2 years looks like for me and about grad school.

However, let me end this on a positive note. I saw a quote the other night that said something along the lines of “if you are experiencing fear, it means you have something to lose.” That means that for every fear we have a reciprocal blessing!

Fear: I will never recover and will waste years of my life to my disorder. Blessing: I have the potential for a full life ahead of me.

Fear: I will lose my relationship with my boyfriend or somehow alienate him or sabotage what we have. Blessing: I have an amazing relationship that is more than I could ever have dreamed for and that I see a future in with someone who loves me and who I love.

Fear: I will never go to grad school and will be stuck in a monotonous job that does not realize my full potential or dreams. Blessing: I have dreams and know what direction I want my life to take. I acknowledge that I have more to give the world.

See how that works? Try it with some of your fears and see if it changes your perspective at all. If anything, I feel like the fears are still there, but I feel more grounded knowing the source of the fears and more positive that I can focus on maximizing and nurturing those blessings as opposed to frantically trying to avoid feeling the fear. Fear is a natural emotion that we all will experience through our lives and thats ok.

Hope you all have an amazing day!

“Wholeness” Starts With “Who”

I’ve been going through some journal prompts to keep myself journaling and blogging more and I thought this would be an interesting one to share with you guys. The prompt was: Name three places that make you feel whole.

My answer:

1. In my boyfriend’s arms (I don’t talk about him much on here or post pics because I want to maintain his anonymity, but he has been a huge turning point in my life over the past year and I can confidently say that no matter where our relationship goes, he has helped me in ways I can’t describe. Maybe I’ll do a later post on this topic. Ok back to the prompt!)
2. In my best friend’s house/living room/kitchen. We have been best friends since third grade and she is my second family! I know I am always welcome to be myself there.
3. Outside on a trail, in the woods, on a hike, or in nature. Prefferably holding the hand of someone I love.

Now what struck me about my answer here was that all three of my places actually had to do with people as opposed to specific geographic locations. Thats how I’m wired. Home is more of a “who” as opposed to a “where”. Wholeness is surrounding yourself with people who add to you and make you better and let you be you in your entirety, as opposed to people who take away pieces of you or suck you dry.

I attended an Alzheimers Awareness Walk last weekend with my boyfriend and his mother and several of their family friends who supported them ehile his father was sick with a prefrontal neurodegenerative illness. I mentioned briefly in July that he had passed away and how refreshing it was to see so many people come together around his family. Again, for the walk, there was so much support for my boyfriend and his mom, and people just came together and walked and laughed and reminisced. The quote “when ‘I’ is replaced with ‘we’, ‘illness’ becomes ‘wellness'” crossed my mind multiple times that day. Is it a coincidence that “wholeness” starts with “who”?

The Destruction of Comparison

“Comparing yourself to another person is destroying the essence of variety that makes you you.” This was said by a good friend of mine recently and I just had to take a moment to make a short post and start your guys’s days out with that reminder!

I see this a lot in my yoga, and its one reason I prefer to do yoga alone as opposed to in a class surrounded by people. Everyones yoga is different. Everyone has the freedom to play with different variations. There is no “wrong” (as long as it is biomechanically safe of course. No getting hurt!)

I saw another quote that has been playing through my head that says “if you live for peoples acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” This is packed with so much truth its not even funny! So heres a fallen angel pose/grasshopper pose hybrid! I love this pose (fallen angel is my favorite) and it makes me feel strong,capable, and graceful.

Has my weight gone up a few pounds? Yes. Does it matter? No. Because I’m not in competition with anyone else and I don’t need anyone else’s improval. Right? Right!

I’m going to keep telling myself this until I believe it.

Knowing Your Limits

T.S. Elliot once said “If you aren’t in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” I was trying to find a way to open up this post and wrap my head around what I wanted to say, and that quote just popped out at me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should bury yourself in whatever struggles you have until you drown, nor am I saying that if you aren’t struggling you’re doing something wrong. But I do think that sometimes pushing yourself to the limit is appropriate. I think also IDENTIFYING your limit is important. Being in over your head doesn’t have to be a bad thing because then you have that information and data saying “this is how far I can go and that’s ok.”

I feel like I’m rambling and not making much sense so I’ll throw in my story that I wanted to talk about. My boyfriend and I were going on a date that we had been wanting to plan for a while. Things had been crazy busy for a long time and I was wanting something romantic and something for just the two of us. So we were doing a simple dinner and mini golf. I thought it would be a good idea to go to dinner at this Italian restaurant that I had loved when I was a little kid but that I had prohibited me to frequent for a long time. I have really been pushing myself hard with my meal plan recently, have gained a little weight, and have really been struggling to sit still with those feelings of discomfort, but I thought I could handle it.

We got into the restaurant and were waiting to be seated and I began to panic. I wasn’t feeling good at all about what was about to go down, was afraid of the menu, and just wanted to leave. Conversation was filled with my high anxiety filled energy and nervous/half manic laughter. I joked about how I just wanted to run out of the restaurant, but forced myself to stay, telling myself that this was what I wanted and we had planned the whole thing and by god I wasn’t going to ruin this date with my shit.

The waiter seated us and we began to look through the menus. I felt tears well up in my eyes as I scanned the menu and found NOTHING that I felt like I could eat. Maybe I could’ve on a good day, but that day I felt so utterly overwhelmed and ginormous and all of my normal go-to options didn’t seem to be there. I don’t know how long I sat there, eyes glued to the menu, choking back tears and panic, but it felt like half an hour (we were probably only seated a few minutes as the waiter hadn’t even brought us our waters yet). I couldn’t breathe, looked up at my boyfriend as the tears began to stream from my eyes and tried to speak. I don’t know if I actually made any noise or not, but my mouth said “we need to leave”. He looked confused for a second, then realized what was happening as I stood up and began to run out. His arms around my waist, and my face buried in his arm we rushed out, leaving confused waiters who were just bringing our waters and coming to get our orders. I was in full blown melt down mode and gulped in the fresh outside air in the parking lot. (By the way, shout-out to my amazing boyfriend who was there with me the whole time, and joked that he wanted to leave too because there were too many vegetables on the menu anyway. Thanks for making me laugh!)

Now it’s tempting to look at this as a failure. I went in with a plan and was unable to execute. I couldn’t hold it together in a restaurant and had to abort mission. But this experience actually gave me some very valuable information!

1. We all have a limit that no amount of willpower or grit will let us push past, and that’s ok! Willpower is not a strategy, growth is a strategy! The day will come when I can try that restaurant again and I will have grown enough to manage it.
2. You are so much stronger with your support than you’ll ever be alone. I was an absolute mess, but with my boyfriend helping calm me down and get me laughing, I pulled it together and we went and played our mini golf. I even beat him by one hit! Then (albeit with a great deal of persuasive effort on his part) he coaxed me into eating a “safe” dinner afterwards.
3. Knowing “how tall you are” and what you can manage is so important! If you simply exist in over your head, you’ll never get anything done. You’ll just be overwhelmed and panic all the time. If you know where your limit is and can operate under it, you know when to push yourself and when to back off.

And as always, and you guys know I feel this way because I’ve said it a thousand times, grace and compassion win the race.

Reading Update

A few of my favorite things this morning! I havent let you guys in on what I’m reading in a while, so I thought I’d share some of my current interests. Mary Pipher is probably my new favorite author. She’s a therapist and doctor in psychology who likes to write about culteral issues, culteral trauma, and other things. I will warn you she IS highly political and I don’t always agree with everything she says, but she has some good points.

The other book is a devotional called The Confident Woman (yes I know its September not February. A month ago I wanted to start the book immediately and not wait until the 1st of the year. Sue me.) I don’t know about your guys’s religions, and sometimes I don’t know about mine. I do believe spirituality is an important component of overall health (in conjunction with physical, mental, emotional, etc…) and is something we all need to address. I haven’t addressed it much on this blog because I think thats a journey we all need to take for ourselves. But for those of you out there who believe in Jesus and The Bible, this book is an awesome resource, especially for anyone strugling with self image.

And then for a non-reading favorite, my new protein waffles! These are literally the bomb, especially smothered in frozen blueberries, blackberries, and strawberries. I use a heaping scoop (a little more than a half serving) of MyProtein’s diet (the diet proteins have flaxseed and ground oats to add carbs) vanilla cookie protein, an egg, a teaspoon of baking powder, a teaspoon of oat bran, a tablespoon of wheat bran, a sprinkle of ginger, a sprinkle of allspice, and about a half teaspoon of cinnamon. Add water to consistency and cook in a waffle iron!

So yeah I pretty much changed your life! You can thank me later. In all seriousness though, try it! Hope you all have fantastic beautiful days!

Wheel Pose and ROM Gains

I was so beyond stoked to pull this pose the other day! About mid March I decided to work on my mobility and range of motion in my back, specifically in my thoracic spine. I have a very short torso and was always at a bit of a disadvantage in this area, but I wanted to be able to do some of the more intense back bends without dumping the stress into my lumbar spine because of inadequate ange of motion in my thoracic. In previous checks of this pose, my heels weren’t centered under my knees and my shoulders weren’t square over my elbows.

Well, as you all know, I had a dummer of illness and we then went to Europe. What I may not have mentioned is that after a long time traveling and one too many naps on long airplane flights, I had pinched/damaged a nerve in my back that made it so I had A LOT of “congestion” in my back and hips and couldn’t feel my toes on one foot. I lost a lot of mobility progress and since have had to focus 80% of my yoga practice on being gentle to my back and rehabing it. (Perks of being a Specialist in Exercse Therapy with degrees in Clinical Exercise Science!)

So I often film my yoga practices so I can go back and watch the videos and spot imbalances or assymetries or see why a pose may or may not be working. I knew this backbend practice yesterday felt REALLY good so I was stoked to go back and see the film.

I think there are 2 morals to this story. One is that you need to be gentle with your body and listen to what it tells you it needs! If I had just tried to wrestle my back into poses and force greater range of motion, it would have only made things worse. Instead, every day I worked WITH my body, not against it. We’re a TEAM, my body and I.

Secondly, progress is sometimes slow. But just because its slow and you may feel like youre going nowhere from day to day, if you remain consistent and persistent, then in many months you will see the fruit of your efforts. I know it sounds so cheesy, but its all about trusting the process!

Hope you guys have a blessed day! Keep strong my recovery friends!

5 Truths I’ve Learned In My Short Time In The Fitness Industry

Good afternoon my beautiful blog family! Today I want to talk about a topic that has been on my heart for a while now and that I think some of you may be interested in. I have been working at a gym for over a week now (I know! Crazy!) and have been a personal trainer for most of the summer. A few weeks ago I also passed my final exam and am now a certified SET (specialist in exercise therapy. Super duper crazy! I was so excited about this certification!)

Now since all of this has been happening, I’ve actually gotten a lot of questions about being a personal trainer and about the whole new realm of pressures that come with that job title. And I’m not going to lie, it was something that I really kinda started to see myself struggling with for a while. Not long after I began passing my exams and the credentials began stacking up behind my name, I started to get follows on my Instagram by fitness people, bikini competitors, etc… Not a lot mind you, my IG account is a personal account (if you want to follow me I’m @listenerintraining) but I was posting quite a bit in regards to fitness, yoga, and inspiration, and I started to get into the IG fitness world. I began to watch and follow several bodybuilding and bikini competition youtubers in my spare time and listen to several podcasts.

Is there anything wrong with that? Absolutely not! But what is a problem is the pressure I began to put on myself to look like a trainer, or what I thought a trainer should look like. I began to tell myself that I am my brand and that unless I looked a certain way I wouldn’t be successful. I knew that this would be something I struggled with considering my history, and something I wanted to nip in the bud and stop before it started. Additionally, I began to get inquiries from friends, family, and followers about how to get my body (mind, a body that I have achieved through DISORDER). The LAST thing I want to be is someone else’s thinspo or fitspo, or someone who puts up a front that I have my life all together.

I realized several truths very quickly that I think are important for anyone breaking into the fitness industry, especially women (I can’t speak for men as that is not something I personally have experienced. But I’m sure men have similar struggles.)

1. There is a TON of disorder in the industry! There are heaps of trainers and coaches with eating and exercise disorders who are preaching disordered methods. Just because a trainer says something and they have a few letters behind their name, doesn’t mean it’s fact. Always listen and think critically and do your own research!
2. Us fitness people are HUMAN. Many pictures you may see on Instagram have either been photo-shopped or are done with very specific lighting, camera equipment, and posing. Everyone has rolls when they sit down. Everyone has days when they eat pizza and donuts and THAT’S OK! It’s healthy even.
3. Everyone’s body is different. I will never look like the girl on Instagram who I perceive to have the perfect body because my body is built and shaped differently. And conversely, she will never look like me.
4. Health looks different on everybody! This kinda plays off number 3 a bit and the fact that we are all built and shaped differently. In it’s least disordered form, food and exercise are performed to achieve health and well being. They are tools to allow you to live your most full life, and that may look different on everybody!
5. While there are tons of trainers who are incredibly disordered and teaching bad science, there are also a lot who know what they’re talking about, understand the physical and psychological, truly want to help people, and really “get” the ins and outs of what they’re doing. And these people can be incredibly helpful and inspirational for the rest of us.

So keeping those truths in mind, I’m going to list below some of my favorite fitness people on social media who I follow, draw inspiration from, and view as real and non-disordered. These are just accounts that have helped me to see what is healthy and what to strive for as a trainer and in social media presence in the fitness industry. (Disclaimer: don’t follow any of these if you’re easily triggered.)

For example, ChelseaLifts on youtube and Instagram is an amazing power lifter that I have been following for the past few months. She has an extremely healthy relationship with food and exercise that she is very open and honest about and coaches women (and I think a few men too) on how to achieve their own healthy relationships with food and exercise.

ObeseToBeast (again youtube and IG) lost a ton of weight and is now a power lifter. On his channel he is very open about his eating disorder and journey in achieving a healthy relationship with food.

AmandaBucci on youtube, IG, and Snapchat is a bikini competitor (I know! Bear with me on this one!) Who is very open about the realities of competition prep and the mind traps you can get stuck in. She is honest about her struggles with bingeing and her journey as she competes. Huge disclaimer on this one, don’t watch if you’re easily triggered.

Emily Hayden (I think her Snapchat and IG tags are @ehfitness21) is another bikini competitor who did a youtube series earlier in the year called The Confident Woman. It was a daily devotional where she talked about God’s love and loving yourself and your body, especially in the fitness industry. Another trigger warning here!

And lastly MegSquats (youtube IG and Snapchat) is an amazing power lifter who shows how women can be strong and so incredibly confident in their bodies!

I hope some of this was helpful to you guys and you’ll keep it in mind while navigating fitness and social media!

Meal Plan Grind

Lots going on this past week to talk about, but for this post I’m going to focus on the fact that my dietitian put me on my first written meal plan since I did refeeding. 

*gasp* *boo* *hiss*

Yeah, it’s rough, I know, but she really felt like I had been relying on my disorder a lot more than I should to get me through the summer and that I needed to not get too comfortable in quasi-recovery land and needed to push. So for almost a week and a half now I’ve been trying to hit some of the goals she’s set for me on a really relaxed macro-style tracking system that pushes me to hit her goals without having to count calories or macros or measure food (making it ideal for ED recovery). It’s really kinda a genius system, and I may do a post on it later.

So I’ve been doing a lot of grinding and pushing and eating foods that I never wouldve eaten before (like recipes with butternut squash, cashew milk, and other foods that are out of my routine.) Routine is a HUGE part of my disorder and really allows me to sit in a comfortable spot that is half recovery where I tell myself I’m eating enough and living life, but my life is still hugely restricted because I stick to my 12 “safe foods”.

Above is a chocolate protein waffle recipe I made this morning and gave a shot. I’m still perfecting it, they were kinda dry (hence the peanut butter and apples to help out) but I may put the recipe up once I get it fine tuned.

The Magnitude of a Sunflower

Sometimes the best answer to hard times is getting into nature. This is one of the many reasons I am in absolute love with where I live! Whoever says Kansas isn’t beautiful is seriously missing out.

Find something beautiful today and take five minutes to close your eyes and truly be present in it.