Dragon in the Fog

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Check out this amazing analogy by writer Nikki Diekemper! I love how she looks at some of the more mundane aspects of life in a new and different angle.

nikki diekemper

It was the morning of Thanksgiving and fog covered the streets. I suspected the sun had yet to rise since the world was so dark and glum. Having to work, I headed into the chilly morning to find a layer of frost on my truck’s windows. My truck takes as long as I do to wake up in the morning. Meaning, the heater doesn’t kick in until I reach 60 mph. Until I hit the highway, the fog kept freezing on my windshield like a child trying to cover my eyes to keep me from seeing. Thankfully, traffic was light on this holiday. The radio was playing my favorite Christian songs. My truck heated up to fight back the fog and all became well.

Not long later, the world just brightens up. I had driven out of the fog, something I had never done before. Usually, I make it to…

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3 Rules When In Relapse

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Rule #1: Get up and out of bed. I dont care where you go, whether its your boyfriends house, to the couch downstairs, or the coffeeshop down the street. It can even be from your bed rolling straight onto the floor. Just get up out of bed!

Rule #2: Take a shower. You’ll feel so much better I promise! And it puts you in the mindset of self care. And more importantly, if you take a shower it means youve gotten up!

Rule #3: Take care of something. Something that relies on you for survival. I dont care if its your dog, your fish, or a plant. But take care of something!

Every damn day!

Quote Of The Day

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“Trying to stay positive no matter the situation is very important. But pretending to be positive when you need to change the situation, thats on the verge of crazy.”

And of course we all know insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…

My Thoughts This Morning

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I feel so fat.

I can’t do this, I feel so huge. I can’t eat anything today and I need to work out for two hours. I’m going to blow up like a balloon if I keep eating. Why did I eat that last night? Now I’m so fat. Should I weigh myself? I need to know what I weigh. I shouldn’t weigh myself because I know I’ve gained weight and it will be triggering. I should do a HIIT run today. I love those and it will make me f eel better. But I shouldn’t because that will burn lots of calories and make me hungry. I can’t handle being hungry anymore.

Did my alarm go off? What time is it? Is my alarm set to go off? Oh it goes off in an hour. Should I set it earlier? I hope I have the right time. I can’t do life today I look way too fat. Why would anyone want my fat ass in front of them today?

No, I have to get up and do things. Should I talk to someone? I’d feel better if I talked to someone and told them how poorly I’m doing. No, they don’t want to hear me complain. Nobody likes that. They just want to hear me be happy and say happy things. I’m such a broken record. Nobody likes me.

They’d like me more if I wasnt such a fatass. Why did I eat that last night? I’m such a fuck. I’m such a lazy cunt. Such a bitch all I do is feel depressed and complain and nobody likes me. People will leave me if they see thats who I am.

Come on. Fat ass out of bed. But my alarm didn’t go off. Did I set my alarm? Here, just grab a cup of coffee and a piece of fruit. Baby steps. Then worry about shower and how you look and leaving the house. And I love coffee! And I can read that book I’ve been loving! My fat is on my body. Why is my fat on my body? Why am I so real here? Why am I touching the bed with my fat?

Has my alarm rang yet? Nope, 50 minutes to go.

I can’t eat today. I’m such a whale. Such a pig. My ass would be better help to everyone if it just wasn’t here. I’d be less of a burden if I was gone.

I’m so excited for today. I have that client I have been working with that I really enjoy. I’m excited to see my boyfriend tomorrow too. I really am. I hope he doesn’t think I’ve gained weight.

I am so stressed, what if this is how it will always be? Work isn’t working out I chose the wrong job. No, stick it out for a little while, get in a routine. Once your hours are consistent it will be much better. Work has been fucking with my eating I can’t have a food routine. I need a food routine. I wouldn’t be so fat…

Sometimes i want to take someone and shake them by the shoulders and scream out that mental illness isnt always being sad or anxious. Sometimes its being so happy that it hurts. Sometimes its being so lucid you can feel your very soul being crushed. Sometimes its reality it tears you to a thousand pieces.

I Could Go For a Run, Or…

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I could go for a run, or I could listen to my tired body at the end of this long day and give it the rest it’s asking for instead.

I could go for that long run I had planned on, or I could do some gentle restorative yoga and give my muscles the TLC they have been aching for all day.

I could go for my run, or I could take a day off after the long bike ride and hike yesterday that seems to have depleted all of my glycogen stores.

I could go for a run, or I could do a self care activity, like taking a cold shower that sounds so good during this Kansas fall heat.

I could go run, or I could eat a snack that will help replenish my body after an already physically taxing work day.

I could go for a run…or I could recognize that it is ED who wants me to run.

I could choose recovery today instead.

Fears and Blessings

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Sorry for not posting a lot this past week, I’ve been having a really tough time and a lot of struggles. I don’t even know how to explain a lot of it, but there have just been a lot of doubts about my recovery and honestly about my relationship. Nothings wrong with my relationship, don’t get me wrong, we’ve just been together for about a year now and the fear of “hes going to get sick and tired of me, I annoy him, I’m too much” has been very real. Yes those thoughts aren’t substantiated and he knows I struggles and tells me he loves me every day, but it’s still a source of anxiety for me.

What I find myself doing to cope with that is pulling away a bit and sort of teaching myself to live without him. Thats healthy to a degree of course, none of us should be totally reliant on another person or relationship. Other people are human and no one will ever be realistically able to perfectly meet all of our needs, and its totally unrealistic and unfair to expect that of someone. However, I think I’ve been almost damaging the relationship by shutting down and freezing him out to try and protect myself. We have an open line of communication about this, which is amazing. He is my absolute antithesis and is so stable and consistent. When I run around in circles waving my armsover my head and babbling about this that or the other, he sits there waiting for me to calm down and then gives me a hug and tells me its ok. He is so grounding.

Something else that has thrown me off this week is I’ve been going to an ED group and we have some new members. Without breaching any kind of confidentiality, we have a few members who have been struggling with their EDs for 30-50+ years.

I’ll let you stop and think about that for a sec.

50 years taken by ED.

I felt so much emotional pain after that meeting, and feel so much sadness going forward and getting to know these women further and deeper. One of them could only say that if we learned anything from her, let it be a warning not to waste our lives like she has.

I feel so resolute. I would rather feel painfully fat every day of my life and still LIVE than to have that much regret. Every ounce of energy put towards my recovery is worth it. Because if we don’t fight it, it will never go away and it will consume everything we are. It will be our whole lives, devoted to worshipping this disorder. That thought brings me so much sadness and so much hurt for those who have struggled for years. I have struggled for 10 years and it feels like an eternity. I cant imagine struggling for 30, 40, or 50 years.

I have had so much fear about the future of my recovery and so much doubt. I have fear and doubt about the future of my relationship. I have fear and doubt about what the next 2 years looks like for me and about grad school.

However, let me end this on a positive note. I saw a quote the other night that said something along the lines of “if you are experiencing fear, it means you have something to lose.” That means that for every fear we have a reciprocal blessing!

Fear: I will never recover and will waste years of my life to my disorder. Blessing: I have the potential for a full life ahead of me.

Fear: I will lose my relationship with my boyfriend or somehow alienate him or sabotage what we have. Blessing: I have an amazing relationship that is more than I could ever have dreamed for and that I see a future in with someone who loves me and who I love.

Fear: I will never go to grad school and will be stuck in a monotonous job that does not realize my full potential or dreams. Blessing: I have dreams and know what direction I want my life to take. I acknowledge that I have more to give the world.

See how that works? Try it with some of your fears and see if it changes your perspective at all. If anything, I feel like the fears are still there, but I feel more grounded knowing the source of the fears and more positive that I can focus on maximizing and nurturing those blessings as opposed to frantically trying to avoid feeling the fear. Fear is a natural emotion that we all will experience through our lives and thats ok.

Hope you all have an amazing day!

“Wholeness” Starts With “Who”

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I’ve been going through some journal prompts to keep myself journaling and blogging more and I thought this would be an interesting one to share with you guys. The prompt was: Name three places that make you feel whole.

My answer:

  1. In my boyfriend’s arms (I don’t talk about him much on here or post pics because I want to maintain his anonymity, but he has been a huge turning point in my life over the past year and I can confidently say that no matter where our relationship goes, he has helped me in ways I can’t describe. Maybe I’ll do a later post on this topic. Ok back to the prompt!)
  2. In my best friend’s house/living room/kitchen. We have been best friends since third grade and she is my second family! I know I am always welcome to be myself there.
  3. Outside on a trail, in the woods, on a hike, or in nature. Prefferably holding the hand of someone I love.

Now what struck me about my answer here was that all three of my places actually had to do with people as opposed to specific geographic locations. Thats how I’m wired. Home is more of a “who” as opposed to a “where”. Wholeness is surrounding yourself with people who add to you and make you better and let you be you in your entirety, as opposed to people who take away pieces of you or suck you dry.

I attended an Alzheimers Awareness Walk last weekend with my boyfriend and his mother and several of their family friends who supported them ehile his father was sick with a prefrontal neurodegenerative illness. I mentioned briefly in July that he had passed away and how refreshing it was to see so many people come together around his family. Again, for the walk, there was so much support for my boyfriend and his mom, and people just came together and walked and laughed and reminisced. The quote “when ‘I’ is replaced with ‘we’, ‘illness’ becomes ‘wellness'” crossed my mind multiple times that day. Is it a coincidence that “wholeness” starts with “who”?

The Destruction of Comparison

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“Comparing yourself to another person is destroying the essence of variety that makes you you.” This was said by a good friend of mine recently and I just had to take a moment to make a short post and start your guys’s days out with that reminder!

I see this a lot in my yoga, and its one reason I prefer to do yoga alone as opposed to in a class surrounded by people. Everyones yoga is different. Everyone has the freedom to play with different variations. There is no “wrong” (as long as it is biomechanically safe of course. No getting hurt!)

I saw another quote that has been playing through my head that says “if you live for peoples acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” This is packed with so much truth its not even funny! So heres a fallen angel pose/grasshopper pose hybrid! I love this pose (fallen angel is my favorite) and it makes me feel strong,capable, and graceful.

Has my weight gone up a few pounds? Yes. Does it matter? No. Because I’m not in competition with anyone else and I don’t need anyone else’s improval. Right? Right!

I’m going to keep telling myself this until I believe it.